This is beautiful Marina!! I wish I could reach back in time and tell my own island feeling new mom self (even though we are very much not on an island!) that to build bridges off the island takes courage and vulnerability and a willingness to be deeply inconvenienced. I’m willing to bet that Marina in a year from now may be able to look back and really hold this version of you and your life with so much compassion. I’m saving this away for myself, and for clients: “But I’m learning that self-sufficiency can disguise need, and that asking for nothing and needing nothing are not the same thing.”
Thank you so much for this. It’s true that it takes courage and a certain willingness to be inconvenienced in ways we’re not always ready for in the early days. I hope you’re right that a future version of me will look back at this one with a little more perspective. And it means a lot that that line resonated with you enough to save it! ❤️
Started crying before I even got past the title. It is so, so hard and sometimes it really sucks. Sending you love, and glad to have you in my Substack village.
Crying with you from afar, I'm so honored I could write something to make you feel a little more seen and less alone. ❤️ One day, we'll look back and think, "damn was I strong for handling so much."
I can understand so deeply where you are coming from here. I'm not on an island- more like the middle of nowhere with dirt roads, corn fields, and woods. It gets extremely challenging and lonely. But I am making an effort to get out to ecfe classes and try to connect with the community more. I've experienced incredible loneliness and depression, but I've come out of those dark days for the most part. I am learning to handle it differently and accept. Though it is hard not to envy those with lots of family and help.
You're absolutely right, an island can look like a city or a dirt road surrounded by corn fields. I’m really glad to hear you’ve come through some of those darker days. making the effort to get out to classes and connect with people takes real courage when you’re already feeling depleted. And I think that envy of people with built-in help is something many of us carry, even when we’re doing our best to accept the life we have. I appreciate you reading, Hannah! I see you. ❤️
my heart was with you every step of the way on this one 💞 even as someone who has a village on our island, i felt so much of what you feel, especially in my first year.
everyone says full time caretaking is a whole different ball game, but i always found and find that hard to accept. like you said, the expectation to do it all ourselves and just “try harder” otherwise it’s a sort of moral failing if you don’t accomplish XYZ 😮💨 it’s too much.
some days the comparison loop feels stronger than ever and i really appreciate your reminder that everyone’s capacity, resources and support system looks different. it’s not as simple as trying harder, there are negotiations i have to make with myself, limits i need to reckon with (ideally before they reckon with me 🫠), and an ever-changing growing human to respond to.
Thank you so much for this perspective. Because I don’t have a village, I forget that even those with support deal with a lot of these challenges and feelings too. There will always be tradeoffs and negotiations we make with ourselves but I know we’re also doing our best and our best is pretty darn great. ❤️ appreciate you! 🫶🫶
Marina, this was so beautiful to read. You have a knack lately for making people feel so seen in their sometimes isolating experiences of mothering – especially when choices, from how you feed/sleep, to where you live – can feel like they add to the isolation. Thank you for sharing your truths so eloquently and relatably xxx
Wow, what a thoughtful compliment. That feels like a super power, I’m truly honored that I could make you feel a little bit more seen through my writing. So grateful for you ❤️
I just want to pop in and say if no one has told you today - you’re doing wonderfully! This gig is tough even when surrounded by family, let alone when you are not. You must never underestimate the impact you’re having on your daughter. Sending love 🩷
This was such a beautiful read! Thank you for writing it. I’m also looking at Manhattan, about to be “golf widowed” as summer rolls around. Let’s actually meet!
This really resonates! As a mom of 3 (soon to be 4!) in Manhattan with zero family within 1,000 miles and a husband who works a lot, building a village occupies a MASSIVE amount of mental space. I didn't think I had one until my sister unexpectedly passed away and people I never expected to stepped up with meals, groceries, childcare, prayers, all the things. That was a few years ago, and though I'm grateful I had them in the dire moments, I am constantly trying to build a village for the more casual ones. I offer to walk home other girls in my daughter's class so that when I'm in a pinch, moms are willing to help me too. I try my best to bring meals when friends' husbands are away for the week, etc. But what I love about your piece is it's a reminder to reach out to other people who may feel forgotten / may not have the emotional capacity to be building a village, and to start building. The community will benefit massively, even if it takes some time. Why don't we lead the way? XOXO
Thank you for sharing this, and I’m so sorry about your sister. It sucks so much but there's absolutely that moment of realizing a village exists only when something unimaginable happens. I think a lot of us are trying to build the everyday version of that same support and it's very hard to do.
I really admire the way you’re approaching building your village, I can already tell you have a big heart, even when you're maxed out and at capacity. It really does start with deciding to be a little more open and I also need to take that advice. Sending you big hugs, thank you so much for reading! If I can ever figure out how to cross the river with a stroller, we'll have to grab a coffee one day. ❤️
This is something I think about almost daily. I’m also a SAHM in Brooklyn with soon-to-be 3 kids and have wrestled with the “village” (or lack thereof) often.
I know people say this all the time, but I do think school helps to a degree. It does not solve the “who do we call in an emergency” dilemma, but does create a bit more social spaciousness.
Believe it or not, I took this into my own hands a couple years ago, hosting monthly potlucks for young families in Bed Stuy (where we are), and now planning weekly meetups with expecting and new moms. lol how I find the energy to do this, but it’s kind of in my dna I guess.
I’ve been finding, similar to something you articulated, that my fear of vulnerability (aka asking for help from folks) is a real stumbling block and something I need to work through internally.
It’s also just true that infant and toddlerhood parenting stages are just hard af in NYC. And it’s also super hard to find SAH parents or anyone who has a similarish schedule. I could go on, but solidarity, friend. ❤️
Solidarity right back to you. Three (soon to be four!) kids in Manhattan without family nearby is truly next-level island parenting. I really admire what you’ve built with the potlucks and meetups, that kind of initiative takes a lot of generosity and energy, even if it does feel like it’s just in your DNA. A lot of us are capable and independent in this city, and that strength can turn into a reluctance to ask for help. Vulnerability in a city where everyone looks like they have it all together is uncomfortable and it's something I’m working on as well.
I do hold onto the hope that school brings a little more social spaciousness, like you said. In the meantime, it’s really encouraging to hear about people like you actively creating those pockets of community. ❤️
I completely agree with you. I long for being close enough to my sisters to 'pop in' for a cup of tea on the regular. Sharing childcare. But alas, I am not. So I am slowly building my own village, but it takes time to build relationships strong enough and comfortable enough to call in favours.
Totally get that, and time is something I'm hoping to get more of in the near future, but that also feels like a nice distant dream lol. It's a catch 22 because you need time to build the village so that the village can give you back some of your energy and time! One day. :)
I'm glad you're slowly finding your people! ❤️ Thank you so much for reading, Harper!
I read your article and hurt for you. I joined a virtual moms group run by a therapist out of Kentucky. Having that weekly check in has been what's kept me going. I have support, and reading your story has made me 100 times more grateful for it. I do have a question though. How can those of us who have support help those who don't?
Having a consistent space to check in like that sounds incredible, especially in the early years of motherhood.
Honestly, one of the most helpful things people with support can do is exactly what you’re doing here, creating connection. I also think being open about the support you do have helps normalize the conversation. When we talk honestly about how much help parenting actually requires, it takes away some of the shame for people who feel like they’re struggling. Your question alone tells me you’re probably already the kind of person who helps more than you realize. ❤️
Thank you, that helps me so much. I have a neighbor who I'm sure needs help but I haven't spoken to her in ages. I always felt like because I had support it would come across condescending if i ever offered to help her. Your article is giving me the courage to reach out.
I’ve had this in my “Saved” folder for almost a week and am so glad I finally had a chance to sit down and enjoy it. Your distinction between parenting on an island and without a village is so poignant and layered, something I hadn’t ever considered before! There’s a great piece by Olga Khazan of The Atlantic about the idea of a village and how it just doesn’t translate for many parents. It’s been living rent-free in my head since I read it last year - passing along since it has such similar threads to what you shared here: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/2025/11/it-takes-a-village/684835/?gift=9giJtHAv2nXMJJ70vrjYp-RKqFHhe7yW7hsOICwQs_A&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share
Thank you so much for sharing! I’ll have to read it with my tea tonight. I appreciate you reading, Tyece! I’m so glad this resonated for you! Waving to you from my little island! ❤️
This is beautiful Marina!! I wish I could reach back in time and tell my own island feeling new mom self (even though we are very much not on an island!) that to build bridges off the island takes courage and vulnerability and a willingness to be deeply inconvenienced. I’m willing to bet that Marina in a year from now may be able to look back and really hold this version of you and your life with so much compassion. I’m saving this away for myself, and for clients: “But I’m learning that self-sufficiency can disguise need, and that asking for nothing and needing nothing are not the same thing.”
Thank you so much for this. It’s true that it takes courage and a certain willingness to be inconvenienced in ways we’re not always ready for in the early days. I hope you’re right that a future version of me will look back at this one with a little more perspective. And it means a lot that that line resonated with you enough to save it! ❤️
Started crying before I even got past the title. It is so, so hard and sometimes it really sucks. Sending you love, and glad to have you in my Substack village.
Crying with you from afar, I'm so honored I could write something to make you feel a little more seen and less alone. ❤️ One day, we'll look back and think, "damn was I strong for handling so much."
I can understand so deeply where you are coming from here. I'm not on an island- more like the middle of nowhere with dirt roads, corn fields, and woods. It gets extremely challenging and lonely. But I am making an effort to get out to ecfe classes and try to connect with the community more. I've experienced incredible loneliness and depression, but I've come out of those dark days for the most part. I am learning to handle it differently and accept. Though it is hard not to envy those with lots of family and help.
You're absolutely right, an island can look like a city or a dirt road surrounded by corn fields. I’m really glad to hear you’ve come through some of those darker days. making the effort to get out to classes and connect with people takes real courage when you’re already feeling depleted. And I think that envy of people with built-in help is something many of us carry, even when we’re doing our best to accept the life we have. I appreciate you reading, Hannah! I see you. ❤️
my heart was with you every step of the way on this one 💞 even as someone who has a village on our island, i felt so much of what you feel, especially in my first year.
everyone says full time caretaking is a whole different ball game, but i always found and find that hard to accept. like you said, the expectation to do it all ourselves and just “try harder” otherwise it’s a sort of moral failing if you don’t accomplish XYZ 😮💨 it’s too much.
some days the comparison loop feels stronger than ever and i really appreciate your reminder that everyone’s capacity, resources and support system looks different. it’s not as simple as trying harder, there are negotiations i have to make with myself, limits i need to reckon with (ideally before they reckon with me 🫠), and an ever-changing growing human to respond to.
needed this one today, thank you 🫶
Thank you so much for this perspective. Because I don’t have a village, I forget that even those with support deal with a lot of these challenges and feelings too. There will always be tradeoffs and negotiations we make with ourselves but I know we’re also doing our best and our best is pretty darn great. ❤️ appreciate you! 🫶🫶
As a military family that moves every 2-3 years & rarely has a “village”, this really resonated. Thanks for sharing. 🤍
I’m so glad this resonated for you, I appreciate you reading! ❤️
Marina, this was so beautiful to read. You have a knack lately for making people feel so seen in their sometimes isolating experiences of mothering – especially when choices, from how you feed/sleep, to where you live – can feel like they add to the isolation. Thank you for sharing your truths so eloquently and relatably xxx
Wow, what a thoughtful compliment. That feels like a super power, I’m truly honored that I could make you feel a little bit more seen through my writing. So grateful for you ❤️
I just want to pop in and say if no one has told you today - you’re doing wonderfully! This gig is tough even when surrounded by family, let alone when you are not. You must never underestimate the impact you’re having on your daughter. Sending love 🩷
Thank you so much, Jennie. That truly means so much ❤️❤️
Beautiful as always. From one gal who wears her independence like a badge of honor to another.
Thank you so much, Traci. It's a blessing and a curse. Appreciate you! ❤️
This was such a beautiful read! Thank you for writing it. I’m also looking at Manhattan, about to be “golf widowed” as summer rolls around. Let’s actually meet!
I'd love that! Golf widows unite! But seriously, we need each other. Or else we're gonna need to learn how to swing a club eventually haha. ❤️
This really resonates! As a mom of 3 (soon to be 4!) in Manhattan with zero family within 1,000 miles and a husband who works a lot, building a village occupies a MASSIVE amount of mental space. I didn't think I had one until my sister unexpectedly passed away and people I never expected to stepped up with meals, groceries, childcare, prayers, all the things. That was a few years ago, and though I'm grateful I had them in the dire moments, I am constantly trying to build a village for the more casual ones. I offer to walk home other girls in my daughter's class so that when I'm in a pinch, moms are willing to help me too. I try my best to bring meals when friends' husbands are away for the week, etc. But what I love about your piece is it's a reminder to reach out to other people who may feel forgotten / may not have the emotional capacity to be building a village, and to start building. The community will benefit massively, even if it takes some time. Why don't we lead the way? XOXO
Thank you for sharing this, and I’m so sorry about your sister. It sucks so much but there's absolutely that moment of realizing a village exists only when something unimaginable happens. I think a lot of us are trying to build the everyday version of that same support and it's very hard to do.
I really admire the way you’re approaching building your village, I can already tell you have a big heart, even when you're maxed out and at capacity. It really does start with deciding to be a little more open and I also need to take that advice. Sending you big hugs, thank you so much for reading! If I can ever figure out how to cross the river with a stroller, we'll have to grab a coffee one day. ❤️
This is something I think about almost daily. I’m also a SAHM in Brooklyn with soon-to-be 3 kids and have wrestled with the “village” (or lack thereof) often.
I know people say this all the time, but I do think school helps to a degree. It does not solve the “who do we call in an emergency” dilemma, but does create a bit more social spaciousness.
Believe it or not, I took this into my own hands a couple years ago, hosting monthly potlucks for young families in Bed Stuy (where we are), and now planning weekly meetups with expecting and new moms. lol how I find the energy to do this, but it’s kind of in my dna I guess.
I’ve been finding, similar to something you articulated, that my fear of vulnerability (aka asking for help from folks) is a real stumbling block and something I need to work through internally.
It’s also just true that infant and toddlerhood parenting stages are just hard af in NYC. And it’s also super hard to find SAH parents or anyone who has a similarish schedule. I could go on, but solidarity, friend. ❤️
Solidarity right back to you. Three (soon to be four!) kids in Manhattan without family nearby is truly next-level island parenting. I really admire what you’ve built with the potlucks and meetups, that kind of initiative takes a lot of generosity and energy, even if it does feel like it’s just in your DNA. A lot of us are capable and independent in this city, and that strength can turn into a reluctance to ask for help. Vulnerability in a city where everyone looks like they have it all together is uncomfortable and it's something I’m working on as well.
I do hold onto the hope that school brings a little more social spaciousness, like you said. In the meantime, it’s really encouraging to hear about people like you actively creating those pockets of community. ❤️
I completely agree with you. I long for being close enough to my sisters to 'pop in' for a cup of tea on the regular. Sharing childcare. But alas, I am not. So I am slowly building my own village, but it takes time to build relationships strong enough and comfortable enough to call in favours.
Totally get that, and time is something I'm hoping to get more of in the near future, but that also feels like a nice distant dream lol. It's a catch 22 because you need time to build the village so that the village can give you back some of your energy and time! One day. :)
I'm glad you're slowly finding your people! ❤️ Thank you so much for reading, Harper!
I read your article and hurt for you. I joined a virtual moms group run by a therapist out of Kentucky. Having that weekly check in has been what's kept me going. I have support, and reading your story has made me 100 times more grateful for it. I do have a question though. How can those of us who have support help those who don't?
Having a consistent space to check in like that sounds incredible, especially in the early years of motherhood.
Honestly, one of the most helpful things people with support can do is exactly what you’re doing here, creating connection. I also think being open about the support you do have helps normalize the conversation. When we talk honestly about how much help parenting actually requires, it takes away some of the shame for people who feel like they’re struggling. Your question alone tells me you’re probably already the kind of person who helps more than you realize. ❤️
Thank you, that helps me so much. I have a neighbor who I'm sure needs help but I haven't spoken to her in ages. I always felt like because I had support it would come across condescending if i ever offered to help her. Your article is giving me the courage to reach out.
I hope you do ❤️ there’s no incorrect way to show support
I’ve had this in my “Saved” folder for almost a week and am so glad I finally had a chance to sit down and enjoy it. Your distinction between parenting on an island and without a village is so poignant and layered, something I hadn’t ever considered before! There’s a great piece by Olga Khazan of The Atlantic about the idea of a village and how it just doesn’t translate for many parents. It’s been living rent-free in my head since I read it last year - passing along since it has such similar threads to what you shared here: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/2025/11/it-takes-a-village/684835/?gift=9giJtHAv2nXMJJ70vrjYp-RKqFHhe7yW7hsOICwQs_A&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share
Thank you so much for sharing! I’ll have to read it with my tea tonight. I appreciate you reading, Tyece! I’m so glad this resonated for you! Waving to you from my little island! ❤️