I wrote about this recently. I had the epiphany that my lower consumption habits and desire to shop second hand wasn't just a side effect of living outside the US but actually a newly acquired habit of my lifestyle shift out of Corporate America and reliable disposable income. I so appreciate you sharing this, a great reprieve from 'summer favorites' and 'must have' lists xx
The part that stuck with me most was that the question was never "Can we afford this?" but "Have I done enough today to deserve this?" That's such a tough realization, and you put it into words so well 💕
Thank you so much, Traci! We deserve it all! It’s just so hard to pull that trigger sometimes. Always looking to you for inspiration for amazing yet reasonable pieces, thank you for getting me excited to get dressed again! ❤️❤️
Baby, it’s a beautiful article! I really hope you will get that jacket! Don’t feel guilty- you both made the choice for you to stay home. You have the hardest job and if someone says anything different, let them try it!
Love you, my sweet girl! And if you need money, let your mom spoil you sometimes.
“It’s that unpaid labor is nearly impossible to feel entitled to compensation for, no matter how many people insist you’ve earned it.” Pulled straight from my brain!!! Your ability to write both universally and about your own experience is so artful. Ily and this post 💗
Awwww shucks, ILYYYYY. I debated that line because I thought I was drifting away from experience and aspiring to sound more like @Kiya Taylor. So glad you enjoyed this one! ❤️❤️❤️
You're hilarious, and the memes just amplified this whole piece. I've been both a SAHM (for a short period of time) and a working mom. Both bring unique kinds of guilt and SHAME with them. Truth is, you can never really win or get out from under the crushing guilt. So just embrace your choices, and keep adding hats to your shopping cart - and please actually order them. You deserve it.
That is so true, it’s all relative and perspective is ever-shifting. So glad you enjoyed the memes, those were fun to find haha. I so appreciate you reading, hope you also get to treat yourself soon! ❤️
This is gold and really validates how I feel. I'd love to hear more about being a SAHM in NYC. We moved from NYC to LA last year to be closer to family and I'll never take that for granted, but we really really miss it. The SAHM community is like non-existent here. It's me and all the nannies (nothing wrong with nannies of course!). We're contemplating moving back to the east coast (DC or NYC), but I'm scared that I'll end up in the same position.
Honestly, there’s a lot of that here too but there are really amazing pockets of community. I see the same moms and dads and nannies on the playground every day and it’s comforting to see everyone doing their best at city living! I will say, I’d give anything to be closer to family so enjoy that while you have it! ❤️ city parenting is fun but nothing beats family.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m half-way through my 12-months of maternity leave but not planning to return. My husband and I are on the same page with this decision but I have already found myself thinking, “won’t be able to buy this skincare anymore” or “how will I buy myself new clothes?” So you’re definitely not alone. I don’t know where this comes from either. We’re married, so it is “our” money, logically I know that, but it’s like my brain doesn’t believe it, or thinks I don’t deserve it either 🤷♀️
If there’s anything I’ve learned, talk about money often and as openly as possible and figure out what truly needs to get cut from the budget and what stays. Our partners want us to feel like we can have all the things we want and need. ❤️ congrats on becoming a full time mama!
We could and should talk about money more, and need to become more transparent with each other's spending. I'm trying to start analysing our spending closer atm so I can form a better understanding of our household budget when my paid parental leave stops!
Thanks, lovely. I'm endeavouring to start my own private practice and see clients on Mondays when my mother can mind my kiddos. The goal being to have control over when and how much I work (or don't, for that matter 😂).
It’s nice to know I’m not alone, though I’m not sure I feel less guilty about spending on myself even after spending a long weekend potty training my two year old while also taking care of my 4 year old and my 1 month old. I hate that. I deserve it. And a drink too.
You deserve it ALL! In fact, I hope you fill your cart and checkout with something nice this weekend, we all deserve nice things that make us feel good! 🫶🫶
I stayed home for seven years and never once felt it wasn’t just as much my money as his. I always knew I was doing valuable work.
However, never have I ever felt comfortable spending money on anything frivolous, thanks to a tight budget. I can instantly bring to mind several splurges my husband and I have made over the years — an espresso maker is one example. We deliberated for like three months! It was worth it because it brings us so much joy, because my husband is Dutch and they loooove their coffee, and because a piece I wrote about coffee culture paid for it. That’s how hard I had to work to justify the cost!
I doubt I could ever learn to adopt an abundance mindset even if I had a million bucks. Scarcity is locked into my brain.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way and I imagine some of mine comes from my parents’ immigrant mentality. I, too, am an immigrant. I know what all of my money wounds are, I just find them so hard to patch up.
I do believe our money is truly OUR money and the frivolous expenses are tough because I know they’re things I don’t need but care about buying because it feels good to look good and the pre-baby wardrobe is collecting dust and needs to be donated yesterday. 😅
I really appreciate you reading and sharing your experience, perhaps an espresso machine is the next thing we should invest in over here too. :)
The mental gymnastics I do to justify purchases that are just for me deserve some kind of medal. And I don’t even have the “but I do everything around here” defense. I do very little paid work, I have a village of help, I rarely cook dinner, I routinely forget to buy milk AND dog food. Both. In the same week. By any objective measure I am a mediocre employee of this household. So naturally my system is: give myself a scathing performance review, then go spend money I didn’t earn to feel better about it, then feel horrible about that too. The cycle works great. Thank you for writing this.
Hahahaha this made me giggle, but you also raise three incredible kiddos and that’s like three different jobs in one so I’d argue you’re already doing more than most and you deserve it all. Feel free to save this comment next time anyone asks any questions about your retail therapy. 😘😘
Screenshotted! The person asking the questions will be me, so unfortunately the cycle continues. And thank you for the reminder that three kids is three jobs! By your essay’s math I’m owed roughly 1 million a year and I will now be spending accordingly 😘
Thank you so much for writing such a relatable article for SAHM’s. This is something I battle with constantly. Stuff for the dogs? No problem. The kids? No problem. But ME?! Problem, always. “I cannot be buying this coffee, or this shirt, or new UNDERWEAR!?” Why do we do this! My husband is the same, never complains, so why do I feel so guilty for spending.
Ugh, I have no clue why we’re like this. Definitely something to work on 😅 clearly, we’re not alone in feeling this way. Thank you so much for reading, I’m so glad it was relatable ❤️ Hope you’ll treat yourself soon!
I really struggled with this too. My husband has always been very generous with money, and it would never cross his mind that the money he was earning wasn't mine too, because he valued me being the one raising the kids (during the day, you know what I mean) while he worked. HOWEVER, every single time I wanted to buy myself something nice as a SAHM, I felt guilty. I was happy to blow hundreds on stuff for the kids, but £10 on a t-shirt in the Zara sale? REIN IT IN LOVE!
Don’t go overboard now, do we even deserve Zara?! In all seriousness, you’re one of the hardest working mothers I know and you absolutely deserve every luxury you’ve ever desired ❤️
I am not a SAHM but NEVER and I mean NEVER spend money on myself. I've always been this way though. There's a saying about not being able to take money to the grave so there's that! And now we need to see the jacket...
I shall procure a photo of the jacket. And yes, we can’t take it with us. If I don’t shop, my husband might spend it all on something like golf ewwwwww
I feel like you could bring your baby with you to the funerals and charge extra because it adds to the intrigue...
That crossed my mind too 😂😂
The perfect Mommy & Me gig 🥰
Really is though 😂😂
Facts
I wrote about this recently. I had the epiphany that my lower consumption habits and desire to shop second hand wasn't just a side effect of living outside the US but actually a newly acquired habit of my lifestyle shift out of Corporate America and reliable disposable income. I so appreciate you sharing this, a great reprieve from 'summer favorites' and 'must have' lists xx
Thank you so much, Lydia! It’s wild how our environment has so much impact on our habits. I’ll be sure to go find and read your piece on this! ❤️
The part that stuck with me most was that the question was never "Can we afford this?" but "Have I done enough today to deserve this?" That's such a tough realization, and you put it into words so well 💕
Thank you so much, Traci! We deserve it all! It’s just so hard to pull that trigger sometimes. Always looking to you for inspiration for amazing yet reasonable pieces, thank you for getting me excited to get dressed again! ❤️❤️
Baby, it’s a beautiful article! I really hope you will get that jacket! Don’t feel guilty- you both made the choice for you to stay home. You have the hardest job and if someone says anything different, let them try it!
Love you, my sweet girl! And if you need money, let your mom spoil you sometimes.
Thank you, Mommy. I got the jacket. I love you so much. ❤️
Love you! Enjoy your jacket!
❤️❤️❤️
“It’s that unpaid labor is nearly impossible to feel entitled to compensation for, no matter how many people insist you’ve earned it.” Pulled straight from my brain!!! Your ability to write both universally and about your own experience is so artful. Ily and this post 💗
Awwww shucks, ILYYYYY. I debated that line because I thought I was drifting away from experience and aspiring to sound more like @Kiya Taylor. So glad you enjoyed this one! ❤️❤️❤️
It’s a brilliant line! And so true! And I second Christina’s comment 🤍🤍🤍
I don’t deserve you both 😘😘😘
You're hilarious, and the memes just amplified this whole piece. I've been both a SAHM (for a short period of time) and a working mom. Both bring unique kinds of guilt and SHAME with them. Truth is, you can never really win or get out from under the crushing guilt. So just embrace your choices, and keep adding hats to your shopping cart - and please actually order them. You deserve it.
That is so true, it’s all relative and perspective is ever-shifting. So glad you enjoyed the memes, those were fun to find haha. I so appreciate you reading, hope you also get to treat yourself soon! ❤️
You deserve the jacket and at least something nice to go under it.
I’ll remember that next time I get the shoppies. Thank you so much, Jane! ❤️
This is gold and really validates how I feel. I'd love to hear more about being a SAHM in NYC. We moved from NYC to LA last year to be closer to family and I'll never take that for granted, but we really really miss it. The SAHM community is like non-existent here. It's me and all the nannies (nothing wrong with nannies of course!). We're contemplating moving back to the east coast (DC or NYC), but I'm scared that I'll end up in the same position.
Honestly, there’s a lot of that here too but there are really amazing pockets of community. I see the same moms and dads and nannies on the playground every day and it’s comforting to see everyone doing their best at city living! I will say, I’d give anything to be closer to family so enjoy that while you have it! ❤️ city parenting is fun but nothing beats family.
This is the best mama! ❤️
Thank you so much, Tam! Big fan of yours here 🫶🫶
Great read, thanks for sharing.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m half-way through my 12-months of maternity leave but not planning to return. My husband and I are on the same page with this decision but I have already found myself thinking, “won’t be able to buy this skincare anymore” or “how will I buy myself new clothes?” So you’re definitely not alone. I don’t know where this comes from either. We’re married, so it is “our” money, logically I know that, but it’s like my brain doesn’t believe it, or thinks I don’t deserve it either 🤷♀️
If there’s anything I’ve learned, talk about money often and as openly as possible and figure out what truly needs to get cut from the budget and what stays. Our partners want us to feel like we can have all the things we want and need. ❤️ congrats on becoming a full time mama!
We could and should talk about money more, and need to become more transparent with each other's spending. I'm trying to start analysing our spending closer atm so I can form a better understanding of our household budget when my paid parental leave stops!
Thanks, lovely. I'm endeavouring to start my own private practice and see clients on Mondays when my mother can mind my kiddos. The goal being to have control over when and how much I work (or don't, for that matter 😂).
I love that so much. Thank goodness mothers have a say in how they design their work life balance these days. ❤️
This article nailed my life right now.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone, though I’m not sure I feel less guilty about spending on myself even after spending a long weekend potty training my two year old while also taking care of my 4 year old and my 1 month old. I hate that. I deserve it. And a drink too.
You deserve it ALL! In fact, I hope you fill your cart and checkout with something nice this weekend, we all deserve nice things that make us feel good! 🫶🫶
I stayed home for seven years and never once felt it wasn’t just as much my money as his. I always knew I was doing valuable work.
However, never have I ever felt comfortable spending money on anything frivolous, thanks to a tight budget. I can instantly bring to mind several splurges my husband and I have made over the years — an espresso maker is one example. We deliberated for like three months! It was worth it because it brings us so much joy, because my husband is Dutch and they loooove their coffee, and because a piece I wrote about coffee culture paid for it. That’s how hard I had to work to justify the cost!
I doubt I could ever learn to adopt an abundance mindset even if I had a million bucks. Scarcity is locked into my brain.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way and I imagine some of mine comes from my parents’ immigrant mentality. I, too, am an immigrant. I know what all of my money wounds are, I just find them so hard to patch up.
I do believe our money is truly OUR money and the frivolous expenses are tough because I know they’re things I don’t need but care about buying because it feels good to look good and the pre-baby wardrobe is collecting dust and needs to be donated yesterday. 😅
I really appreciate you reading and sharing your experience, perhaps an espresso machine is the next thing we should invest in over here too. :)
The mental gymnastics I do to justify purchases that are just for me deserve some kind of medal. And I don’t even have the “but I do everything around here” defense. I do very little paid work, I have a village of help, I rarely cook dinner, I routinely forget to buy milk AND dog food. Both. In the same week. By any objective measure I am a mediocre employee of this household. So naturally my system is: give myself a scathing performance review, then go spend money I didn’t earn to feel better about it, then feel horrible about that too. The cycle works great. Thank you for writing this.
Hahahaha this made me giggle, but you also raise three incredible kiddos and that’s like three different jobs in one so I’d argue you’re already doing more than most and you deserve it all. Feel free to save this comment next time anyone asks any questions about your retail therapy. 😘😘
Screenshotted! The person asking the questions will be me, so unfortunately the cycle continues. And thank you for the reminder that three kids is three jobs! By your essay’s math I’m owed roughly 1 million a year and I will now be spending accordingly 😘
Yesssssss! Go off, mama 😂👏👏
Thank you so much for writing such a relatable article for SAHM’s. This is something I battle with constantly. Stuff for the dogs? No problem. The kids? No problem. But ME?! Problem, always. “I cannot be buying this coffee, or this shirt, or new UNDERWEAR!?” Why do we do this! My husband is the same, never complains, so why do I feel so guilty for spending.
Ugh, I have no clue why we’re like this. Definitely something to work on 😅 clearly, we’re not alone in feeling this way. Thank you so much for reading, I’m so glad it was relatable ❤️ Hope you’ll treat yourself soon!
I really struggled with this too. My husband has always been very generous with money, and it would never cross his mind that the money he was earning wasn't mine too, because he valued me being the one raising the kids (during the day, you know what I mean) while he worked. HOWEVER, every single time I wanted to buy myself something nice as a SAHM, I felt guilty. I was happy to blow hundreds on stuff for the kids, but £10 on a t-shirt in the Zara sale? REIN IT IN LOVE!
Don’t go overboard now, do we even deserve Zara?! In all seriousness, you’re one of the hardest working mothers I know and you absolutely deserve every luxury you’ve ever desired ❤️
I am not a SAHM but NEVER and I mean NEVER spend money on myself. I've always been this way though. There's a saying about not being able to take money to the grave so there's that! And now we need to see the jacket...
I shall procure a photo of the jacket. And yes, we can’t take it with us. If I don’t shop, my husband might spend it all on something like golf ewwwwww